the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
