Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
