If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
