OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize