I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
