Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
