I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
