Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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