Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
