Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just found a bag of teeth...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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