no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize