I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
