I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize