your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
