In America we eat man semen.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize