So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
