Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
