My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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