why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
