You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
