Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
