You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize