i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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