Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
