That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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