my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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