my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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