I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He shit in the fireplace
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
