I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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