Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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