So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you had me at cake vodka
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
