JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
