You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
