last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
