I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
