I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize