The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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