My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
