hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
