I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
