Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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