you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
