Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
