dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
