Ambien. No doubt about it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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