you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
