i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we're making bets on your personal life
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
