im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
