Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
