Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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