He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize