dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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