K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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