Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
