He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
