How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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