Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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