i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
