It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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