He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Drake has all the answers
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
