well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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