I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
