3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
everyone is single if you try hard enough
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
