Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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