Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
