Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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