you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She's the barista slut.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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