Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You ruined the universe
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
