I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
