Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
