What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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