Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
